"Don't cry because its over, Smile because it happened" -Dr. Suess

That is how I feel today. In fact that is how I feel most days. I tell myself that a lot too. Don't be sad, its only a short time in reality that you will see your brothers. I don't like to feel sad, I really am a happy person. The other day I was looking back through my journal and came to the entry about Todd. It is still so unreal. I am so glad I took the opportunity to write it down though. Here is a portion..

January 5, 2009
I'm not sure how to even start this entry. I have been kindof dreading this. It has been exactly one month ago today (Dec 5th) that we got the tragic news that my little brother Todd had died. I can't even describe the feelings I had then or even some I have now. We were sitting down eating dinner when I got a phone call from Mandy saying to come to Mom & Dad's right now. Something is wrong! We loaded up the kids and bolted over there. I knew something was terribly wrong. I ran in the door and Amy grabbed me and said, "It's Todd, he's dead!" I almost couldn't believe it. "Not Todd!" I said, "No, not Todd!" I don't know how to say or even describe what has happened. All I know is that I had a moment of shock and had to gather myself up again and do everything I could to ease my parents pain & burden. We had a lot of difficult phone calls to make. It was a long and painful night. I couldn't believe I lost another brother, and again to suicide.... Todd was not just an awesome Uncle, Brother, Son & Friend, he was so much more. I wish I could've shown him while he was still here how much he meant to me. I really don't know how much some hearts can take. All I know is that my parents have hearts of steel or something. I was just beginning to get use to the fact that Shawn wasn't around anymore. Now the process is starting over again except this time it seems to be a little harder. Todd was always around or close by to help if we ever needed. Now I don't know who to call. I truly miss him and feel like my heart is broken. I know I will see him again and hope they will both wrap their big arms around me and hug me like they use to.

It's amazing to me that 2 years later I can read that and still feel every emotion just like it happened yesterday. But at the same time it feels like 10 years since I have seen them. My heart has begun to heal. I no longer feel broken. I have realized how much I have changed since that terrible day though. I won't get into a lot of it, but have went on my own journey to "feel" again. I am grateful now for every challenge that my Father in Heaven has blessed my with. To love, grow, and strengthen the person I have become today. I know every experience I have had in the last 4 years has been a building block to the person I am today. I also know there are going to be many, many more building block pieces to be added to complete me. I just hope those experiences will spread out some. ;)

So once again as we come to a difficult time of the year for my family. One of Thanksgiving and also the last time we saw Todd. I am Thankful more than words can express for my little brother, my older brother, and also my brother and Savior Jesus Christ. My heart and eyes are full, not just of sadness or hurt but more of gratitude and love than anything. I am so blessed!

So here is to you Todd!! *Mandy did a great job once again* Kreston watches this almost everyday. He is such a mini Todd and I know he feels a connection to Todd and I hope it never goes away, cause I feel like I have a little part of Todd with me everyday through him.

Don't forget to pause the music player at the bottom :)

We Wish You a Spooky Evening and a night filled with Fear...

I love this time of year! Bwahahaha, (insert evil laugh) I also love that my husband loves to dress up as much as I do and makes it a whole family event.

Grandpa even stopped by with his bucket of Eyeballs! Good job DAD, now you know where I get my love for Halloween from ;)

This year I took the kids and some friends to the Corn Maze and we had a BLAST!!

I'm not sure who had more fun, me or them...next year the whole family is going for sure.

Terrible or Terrific 2's??? I'll let you be the judge ;)

I can't believe I forgot to post Kreston's big #2 Birthday!!! Slacker Mom!

He had a great birthday and was way too spoiled. Love that boy!!!